I have been repairing and selling washing machines for over 30 years now and boy have I had some laughs.

Here I share the 1st part of the many, many lighter moments I have experienced.

Years ago, there was a well known company in the UK called Servis. They were especially popular in Ireland. Those days Men were men and women washed, cooked and cleaned. Well that's how it seemed to me when I was 14 or so and worked in my Dad's shop.

This elderly guy came up to me at the counter one day, many many years ago and said to me. "Do you fix Washing Machines?" "We do indeed" I told him. "In that case, could you come and have a look at my wife's cervix, it's leaking oil all over the floor and we only use it once a week" I said "Those Servis Washing Machines are known for that, I'll get my Dad to call round this evening"

In those glorious days before mobile phones and caller display, I rang a local number and asked for Mrs Murphy. "She's not here" replied the person I had called. "Do you know when she will be home?" I asked "I'm not sure, have you tried phoning her?" Was the reply. "Who am I talking to?" I asked. "This is Pauline Johnstone" she replied. "I am terribly sorry" I said "I must have called a wrong number" "Oh no dear" She said "My number is ex-directory, so you wouldn't know it" As a shot in the dark, I asked her "Do you know a Mrs Murphy?" "No Dear" she said, "but I'll tell her you called"
After years of experience, I have learned that when I turn up at a customers house, it's best to address them by name and say something like, "Mrs Magill, did you order a new washing machine?" I learnt this after a painful incident when I arrived at a house and said "Washing machine for you!" an hour later, after I had the new machine installed, the woman asked me who the present was from. You guessed it, I was at the wrong house.

Years ago I had just repaired a washing machine in a customers house. She paid me, we said our goodbye's and I got into my little white Honda van and drove back to my Dad's shop. I remember thinking that the van seemed nicer than I remembered it, but thought nothing of it. When I got back to the shop, my Dad said. "Everything go ok?" "Yeah" I said "nice people" "That's good" he said "Now do you think you could leave those nice people their van back?" Our van, if you remember is parked round the back of the house and the keys are in it too!"

The "One Legged Woman" was famous in Portadown years ago. I won't mention any names, but she seemed to get some seriously good deals from all the male shopkeepers. Her trick was to come up really close, invade your personal body space and fiddle with either your shirt collar or whatever it was you were wearing. Don't forget shopkeepers 30 years ago were a fairy hardened bunch and a little close contact and affection went a long way. Shortly after an encounter with the "One legged lady" My Dad dispatched me to her house to repair her washing machine, with the instructions " Maybe do it for nothing" I did as I was told and said to her "That's ok, there is no charge" A couple of weeks later, I think her charms must have worn off. She called up my Dad to complain that her washing machine had again broken down and if we didn't call and fix it for free, then she would seek legal advice. My Dad in his calmest, coolest manner informed her "You haven't a leg to stand on!"

Did my Dad really say this, or is it just a nightmare that breaks me out in a cold sweat some nights because, if he didn't say it, he certainly could have. "Mr Mackle, that washing machine you sold me is shrinking all my clothes" "Well, go on a diet then"

Sometimes being positive doesn't really pay off.

"Is that the Washing Machine Repair Shop?" "Yes" "Do you repair Washing Machines?" "Yes" "Will you repair mine?" "Yes" "It's making a very loud noise when it's spinning" "Yes" "Will it cost much to repair it?" "Yes" "Can I call you back?" "Yes"

I used to be an Agent for one of the top microwave oven manufactures and I would get sent all over to repair microwaves for them. I got this call sent to me one day. The problem was that the countdown timer was only showing the top half of the numbers. Countdown timers all show 88.888 if they are working correctly, but in this case, I was told the display would not show anything but 00.000.
The Brother Microwave Company told me just to replace the circuit board and that would solve the problem.

I arrived at the customers house, they were both Doctors, so I guess well educated. I checked the microwave over and could find no problems. It was a built in model and so was stacked on top of an oven and sat at about head height (or, eye level as we called it then)

The customer said to me "Yes, but look, the bottom of the 88.888 is not working" I checked it again and it was working, then I did a double take and looked at the customer, who was not small, but not tall.

I solved the problem, but I wasn't sure what to tell Brother the microwave company in my report. So I wrote this. "In future, eye level microwaves should come with a small stool for short people to stand on, so that they can see all of the display and not just the top 5 zeros of the all eight display"

I got this emergency call from a customer about 10.30 one evening. "Quick, quick, my kitten is stuck in the tumble dryer, can you help?" "Ok" I said "Now stay calm, pull the plug out of the socket, make sure the dryer is turned off and have some cat food ready for me" 20 minutes later, I was in their house and taking the tumble dryer apart. It took me only a minute to take off the back and retrieve the scared kitten. I put the back on the dryer and checked everything was ok. The customers were really pleased and asked how much they owed me. "Oh nothing at all" I said, "I'm just happy that the wee cat is ok" "Thank you so much Aiden" they said "and here is the cat food you wanted"

I got this call from a customer and he said "That washing machine you sold me has stopped working" "Sorry to hear that" I said "What seems to be the problem?" "Well" He said, it's just stopped half way through it's cycle" "Can you turn it to the empty position and see if it will empty?" I asked. "I can't see the empty position" he said. "Oh, why is that?" I asked. "Cause all the lights are off" he told me. "Why are all the lights off?" I asked him. "Well, we are in the middle of a power cut" He said.

When you work for a washing machine call centre, here are some things you probably shouldn't say.

Customer, "My washing machine is jumping all over the floor!"
Me, "Maybe it's just happy to see you"

Customer, "My washing machine is stealing all the under wires from my underwear"
Me, "Well, lock your bedroom door then"

Customer, The washing machine is shrinking all my clothes and nothing fits me any more"
Me, Well try washing your McDonald's, KFC and Domino's instead of eating them"

Customer, My washing machine keeps beeping at me and saying program ended"
Me, "Switch off the TV and go to bed then"

Customer, "My Husband wants to make love to me while the washing machine is spinning"
Me, "You should wash more often"

Customer, "My washing machine is following me across the kitchen floor"
Me, " You might want to stop keeping Calgon in your pockets"

Customer, "My Husbands trousers are in the machine and they are full of money, what can I do?"
Me, "Give him back a quarter and tell him it shrunk"

Customer, "I have just spun some lettuice in the washing Machine and it's all stuck in the holes in the drum"
Me, Call an engineer with a BT. That way, if he saves your lettuce at least he can finish off his sandwich"

Customer, "My Gerbil is running around in my washing machine"
Me, "Teach it not to poop and you've got one green machine there"

My favourite.
Customer, "Can you call me an Engineer?"
Me, "Ok, you're an Engineer"

Customer, I can't get my clothes out of the machine"
Me, "Have you tried opening the door?"
Customer, "Yes, but there's no one there"

You can say what you will, but I love my customers. They are really great and I never forget, I'd be nothing without them. Aiden Mackle